Completely impossible to understand him unless you’re a Scot, e.g. “Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye!” After he’s loaded on Glenmorangie however, it’s impossible to understand him unless you’re a Scot and speak Swahili. He’s also terrifying to pretty young blondes. Competitors should look out for: Outburst of emotion and proclamations of love after…
A Red Bull extreme athlete just like Vettel, just as fast out of the blocks as his alter ego, but unlike Seb, his wheels fall off ¾ of the way through the race. Competitors should look out for: Violent choking; knowing how to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre would be useful. AKA Gabriel Reeder 2013 Finish: …
The big deal maker; his choice of golf courses for tour are especially chosen to suit him because of his familiarity with those tracks. There are no other similarities with Donald Trump though. None at all. Really. Competitors should look out for: Early exits at night, and if he can’t escape, watch out for the…
Just as tolerant of Obama as George W., and not shy to tell people about it. In fact he’s not shy to tell people anything, at any time, during any part of their golf game/swing/pre-shot routine/stroke. Doesn’t let a good story interrupt his own shot either. Competitors should look out for: When he goes quiet,…
Just as suave as Mr Bean’s Bond and good looking as Ralph Fiennes’ Voldemort, this irritating little bugger spends more time online than Mark Zuckerberg, pity that he’s a past champion and we have to keep inviting him back… Competitors should look out for: His withering look, normally justifiably given to rude and inconsiderate playing…
Rescued a local porn TV station and turned it into Playboy TV, reputed to have several fringe benefits, although he claims that they are financial benefits only, which is reputed to have several fringe benefits… Competitors should look out for: Foreign accents; they normally mean that he has a good hand or is about to…
Middle of the pack finishes cannot be attributed to mediocrity alone; he has skill in Excel that give him a 3 shot advantage every day; who needs to place the ball in the rough and damage one’s reputation? Competitors should look out for: His score improving magically on the bus ride between the course and…
Once known as Steady Eddie, a former tour champion may have seen his best days already. Fortunately, from an entertainment point of view he can rewind the years at half a bottle’s notice and no one’s the wiser… Competitors should look out for: A very loud gesticulating Italian man speaking Fanagolo in an Italian accent…
Big, over the top, loud… and that’s just his hat! More chance of hitting Warnie’s googly for a cover drive than hitting a tee shot it straight down the middle. Still holds the record for the shortest opening drive on tour of 11 foot (see video), although a very hung over Groucho holds the shortest…
Sings a fine tune, actually, it’s more of a wail for a discount or a press once he’s taken a hiding in a match. Charismatic like the famous tenor, especially in Kitwe, Zambia, where his entertainment skills are much sought after… Oh solo mio, baby… Competitors should look out for: His petulant refusal to shake…
Never really reported to M, it’s V who has him jumping through hoops. Removed the 007 from his number plate because it was a dead giveaway, and Sean Connery disapproved (and everyone else thought he was a tosser). Competitors should look out for: Spiders making webs between their clubs while waiting for 007 to complete…
Twice winner (?) of the Lanterne Rouge, and master of the Reverse Pirouette Haymaker Twist Jab, he has talent, albeit misdirected. Can he win it a 3rd time? We hope to fcuk not, we might have to find another trophy! Competitors should look out for: His influence on your game, ask Wiiings who played with…
Construction industry thug & racketeer, tried his hand at other illicit enterprises too but found that he his market wasn’t sophisticated enough for his brand of crime. Gets his adrenaline rush from high speed bike runs through Ethiopia, Somalia and Mauritania & other countries where Oz sells arms. Transporting cocaine increases the thrill. Competitors should…
Voted the sexiest partner at PWC (like that’s hard!) and the crappest golfer (like that’s a surprise!). Like Richard Gere he’s a real charmer, but we haven’t tested his views on gerbil racing where we’ve heard that Ricky Boy is a keen proponent… Needs to lift his profile in the golf school. Competitors should look…
Once a poster boy for Jewish angst along with his role model, Woody Allen, but he stopped short of marrying his step-daughter, unlike Woody. One suspects that he has lost a little of his belief in pious men, but has acquired a bucket list instead. Mazel tov! Competitors should look out for: Him negotiating with…
A descendant of George Rex of Knysna, illegitimate son of George III of England, and therefore rightful heir to the British Monarchy; bye-bye Windsors! So that’s better than belonging to Royal Kensington & Jhb, we sommer got our own king!! & queen!!! Take that XXX etc. Competitors should look out for: His newly acquired responsibility…
Last minute replacement for a Greek boy, not sure that we have traded up… Sneaky bugger who wins many tournaments; handicap will be slashed. His wife auditioned for porn role on TV coverage of Nedbank Golf Challenge. Competitors should look out for: His fondness of dog collars! AKA Roger Gorrannnnsssennn (He’s Swedish, that’s how it’s pronounced)…
We don’t know much about him except that he’s Oz’s mate & he sells used cars… WTF!!! Next thing we are going to have Mexicans and Jews on tour…! Competitors should look out for: He might sneak you a used car instead of paying you! AKA Michael Prinsloo (related to Mikey Schultz: The Gangster!) 2013 Finish: He…
So laid back that he slipped through his own bum (the Greeks were sorry that they missed the tour) but very “proper” (the Greeks weren’t so sorry anymore…) Believed that he was a very “popular” person; misheard & didn’t realise he was being compared to a deciduous tree… face resembles an overripe peach, contact with a golf ball sounds as if…
Religious fanatics aren’t as intense and Kamikaze pilots were not as committed as this bloke! Jokes about terrorism and homosexuality are best avoided, especially in bars, and Greek ethnic epithets are another thing that might tip him over the edge… otherwise he’s quite harmless! (Pepper spray can be useful though). Competitors should look out for: …
A big fan of Zulu gumboot/golf shoe dancing, normally takes place around his ball in the rough when he doesn’t have a proper backswing. It will make absolutely no difference to the outcome of the tour results except perhaps to the bearer of the Lanterne Rouge. Competitors should look out for: Safe places to stand…
Another tour first timer, and if his history is true to form, only timer; it was “suggested” to him that he might be happier at another golf school, by someone at a school that embraces hooligans, thugs and cheats! Come to think of it, we need to make a few “suggestions” of our own… Redeeming qualities…
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