Name Anaconda AKA Uwe the kidney bruiser Handicap Inability to consistently identify Y chromosomes in humans Needs To Get with the program: whorehouses don’t do refunds Quite Interesting Erroneously thinks that being abducted by a troupe of circus midgets at the Munich Oktoberfest was the weirdest thing that ever happened to him
Name Big Mac AKA Biggumakku Handicap Plays best when it doesn’t count, like the South African Cricket Team Needs To Spit not Swallow Quite Interesting His first taste of sushi wasn’t off a plate
Name Kojak AKA Rubber Toe Handicap The older he gets, the better he thinks he was Needs To Make more 40’ putts Quite Interesting Competed in the 1971 Arm-wrestling Championships
Name Wiiings AKA Wingnut Handicap Forced to work for several weeks of the year Needs To Carry an ample supply of asthma pumps in his golf bag Quite Interesting Was disappointed at the absence of violent non-consensual sex in the 3 hours that he was incarcerated for.
Name VDCP AKA Chip Handicap Paris Hilton has him on speed dial Needs To Arrange special “Room Service” for Chairman & Organiser Quite Interesting Posted a home porn video on YouTube; only got 31 views
Name Grumpity AKA Barrel of monkeys Handicap 5 over what it should be Needs To Use anal bleaching cream Quite Interesting Once missed an entire solar eclipse while selecting a club
Name Rocky AKA Jean-Claude Van Dumb Handicap His bell-end is bigger than his brain Needs To Wear a towel in the locker room Quite Interesting Started a fight with himself in a cupboard
Name Fargo AKA Hey Ref Handicap Indecently low Needs To Take on role of Tour Rules Official Quite Interesting Sold his first wife for a pack of cigarettes
Name Potter AKA Vun Click! Handicap Moss grows on the bottom of his golf shoes Needs To Think less about lighting and composition and more about solid ball contact with his 7-iron Quite Interesting Supplies KY Gel in the mining industry
Name Aibabalas AKA Camel Toe Handicap A penchant for Somali rent boys Needs To Refrain from sharing utensils with other members of the tour Quite Interesting Managed a company that used animal-testing in its hammer division
Name Groucho AKA SteviWunda Handicap Antisocial hermit with Tourette’s Syndrome Needs To Lay back and enjoy special “Room Service” provided by hotel Quite Interesting Woke up in an opium den in Chiang Mai after lighting-up in Somerset West
Name Oom Trigger AKA Trompie Handicap Shouts out “Fake News!” when he hits a wayward shot Needs To Put on a life-jacket and swim to the other ship Quite Interesting First retired before leaving school
Name Oz AKA Draino Handicap Fitting into tight spaces Needs To Eat fewer vegans Quite Interesting One time at a jumping gym, he strained a trampoline
Name Full Tilt AKA The Gonski Art Dealer Handicap Reverse pirouette follow through style Needs To Let someone else count his shots & fill in the scorecard Quite Interesting Has a tattoo on his arse that reads, “Property of the Hell’s Angels”
Name Herb AKA Vlam Handicap Wife’s name isn’t Lemon Needs To Find a tart Quite Interesting Does curls with his golf bag in the car park before each round
Name Tacky AKA Sticky Fingers Handicap Solvent addiction Needs To Research its meaning and find examples of humour Quite Interesting Wrote his patent for Invisible Ink in invisible ink
Name Dutch AKA Clog Cheese Handicap Angry Birds makes him very angry Needs To Realise that white longs are for teenagers and moffies Quite Interesting Received an Oscar nomination for his role in “There’s a Gupta on my Stoep”
Name XXX AKA The Contractor Handicap Legal status in SA uncertain Needs To Wear sunscreen under his Kevlar jacket Quite Interesting Has become a director of 871companies since retiring to Mauritius
Name: Rabbi AKA: Not Reg Handicap: Has limited cupboard space at home Needs To: Ask for a second shelf & understand that the washing basket isn’t a wardrobe Quite Interesting He’s the only known Jewish accountant who can’t play poker
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