The original bionic man. Requires a jump start in the morning and gentle warm up to reach operating temperature. Friends are all stupid and don’t know nothing. As much chance of winning the tour as: Staying out of hospital after arm-wrestling Groucho Favorite expression: My friend,…
Known affectionately in cake decorating class as Chunky. His GPS business recently took a wrong turn. Now imports spinal implants from China. Has a black box installed on his cart to record all rules violations. As much chance of winning the tour as: last year. Favorite Expression: I use my cigar as an idiot repellant…
Previously Worked in Corporate; now prefers Sumo, Japanese whisky, saki & sucky. Once auditioned for Prince’s hit song Raspberry Beret, shaved his legs for the part. Didn’t get it because stockings were laddered. As much chance of winning tour as: Being made Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan Favorite Expression: Still me? Worst Nightmare: Having to…
Huge disappointment to the people who bet on him Spends days “trekking draad” or practising putting – should spend more time putting. Chances of winning tour : Bugger all. Favorite expression: Show me the money Pal – Have I told you about Elvis? Worst Nightmares: Having to share a bunk with Terry / Winning another flat-screen TV…
Was recently painted in a poor light and framed for passing off fakes as originals by someone not familiar with accepted art dealer trading principles As much chance of winning tour as: Any Fatcat buying another painting from him Favorite expression: It’s a very good investment Worst Nightmares: Discussing art investment with Roland over 18 holes/…
Enjoys “camping” and a bit of rough & tumble… and flower arranging. Once was asked if the sheep under his arm were for shearing, and he replied that wasn’t going to share his sheep with anyone. His wife could do better. As much chance of winning tour as: Getting mouth to mouth from Gep Favorite…
Tricky Dicky Scot & ex-champ. Tests prophylactics for a living, likes ones with a minty taste. Eschews mouthwash. As much chance of winning tour (again) as: Tiger Woods being considered squeaky clean (again) Favorite Expression: I don’t normally play this well Biggest Nightmare: English beat Scots at tossing their Cabers
Mrs Spud’s bitch & shop assistant. Better known in the jewelry industry as Frankie (fcuk knows why…) Shows up to business meetings in baggies, flip-flops and testicular implants on his head. Nose points upwards when aroused. As much chance off winning the tour as: (Pick A, B or C) A) Dodging a slap in a bar,…
Purveyor of all things cybertronic. Plays his golf in the Cloud too. Should stop clowning around with the editorial, the editor is also head of the fines committee on tour. Awaits impending legal action from a Mr. Sheen. Same chances of winning the tour as: Tiger Woods receiving a Nobel Prize nomination from the Swedish Female…
Posed nude for Playboy magazine. Hugh Hefner made medical history at the same time by having the largest fatal stroke known to humankind, which left the right side of his mansion paralysed. Affected playmates were relocated to Madame Tussaud’s wax museum. Profession unknown. Should be a teaching golf pro with all the advice he dispenses. Swing used a comedy act in…
Colossal tit. More of a FATDOG (F* All Talent, Determination Or Genius) than FATCAT. Given half a chance he’s gone like a robber’s dog… but given his conditioning that isn’t very far… or fast. Ex MD of a large construction firm. Will not discuss the tender process to build the World Cup Stadiums without his…
Chartered Accountant, figures find wiiings when audit comes around. Has booked his trip to Durban on Velvet Sky because there are plenty of seats and they said that they will still be on the ground if he’s late As much chance of winning the tour: As Mrs Wiiings has of being elected Dainfern soccer coach Favourite…
Purveyor of coffee to housewives; he finds both very addictive. Likes a double shot. Chance of winning tour: Knot much Favourite Expression: Is that a good investment Henry? Worst Nightmare: Goes for a lesson with Gep who tries to teach him how to complete his backswing
Mona Lotta. The Village People his favourite band of all time; stayed in the “YMCA” and was also “In The Navy”. Very serious, talking (and fun) is prohibited at work. Saves the talking for the course where his clubs don’t talk and he still doesn’t have any fun. When not talking he can be found…
Wins astronomical amounts when playing golf, loses astronomical amounts when playing poker. Tight as a touniquet. Has a bag full of rescue clubs. Bums cigarettes – money not an issue, it’s the principle. As much chances of winning tour as: Much better than Holland has of actually winning the Soccer World Cup, he won! Favorite expression: I…
Try to guess who the cake is for…? He is himself a teenage idol and the feelings are reciprocal. He was in fact a judge at Teenage Idol competition, but was unfortunately asked to step down because of a “conflict of interest”… As much chance of winning tour as: Bob Hewitt will appear on TV…
In recent games has had his head served up on a platter. Claims to be a personal friend of The Messiah, but he is a man of straw. Staunch proponent that newer isn’t always better and of the opinion that less is more. As much chance of winning the tour as: being nominated to represent Israel…
More chins than the Hong Kong telephone directory. Tour organiser and as such much revered. Once threw Ernie Els out of his own golfing establishment, but was then transferred up north. Doesn’t know why? As much chance of winning tour as: a cheeseburger going stale in Ethiopia. Favorite Expression: Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try…
“Look Mom, my boobies are blue!” Previous tour champ. One of the world’s 10 most wanted email spammers, has a penchant for largely irrelevant factoids (he once dated a Factoid too) As much chance of winning tour as: He did before, if he can recreate his previous intensity, but he really,really shouldn’t try to recreate…
Too busy doing the LA party circuit to play golf seriously. Or poker seriously. Can afford to buy an airline (Greek Air) but still flies economy. Repairs tees in his spare time. Looks in dustbins on golf courses for “useful stuff”. Favorite expression: I’ve got pocket aces As much chance of winning tour as: Groucho Worst Nightmare:…
No success with condoms, should have used Twin Savers. Once was stalked by Angelina Jolie although due to lack of evidence all charges were dropped. Career took a downward turn when his pecker did the same. Auditioning for the village people was also a poor career choice. Has just finished the Cialis sponsored shoot for…
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